I used to write poetry all the time. Today, I felt one rising in my heart as I drove home from an appointment. I thought I would share….
Healing is a process
And sometimes you have to walk through the landmines
In the no-man’s land of memory
To get from the war zone that was your heart to
Healing is not the absence of pain.
Because pain bleeds and when you are bleeding in shame and self-hatred, you
only want the
bleeding to stop
So you apply a bandage , but sometimes that bandage is bondage,
but you didn’t know it
So you mistake the pressure and the bondage for healing
So I lived my life and I didn’t feel
Or any significant feeling
Or even significant for that matter
And I certainly did not believe I was beautiful.
We’re working on that.
Instead I felt only pressure
And I loved the bondage
Of religion and self-hatred
Because they looked like healing
But instead of healing, I got gangrene, and I thought that the gangrene was the pain
Only it was the result of avoiding the pain
So the cure for the pain caused more pain than the pain itself
And the thing about gangrene is that it takes a surgeon’s scalpel to cut it out.
And that hurts like hell
But you realize at some point that the surgeon and His scalpel are actually your best friends
Even when it does hurt like hell
The infection runs deep.
And Jesus said it is better to pluck out your eye or your offending hand than to commit adultery
But if the adultery is religion, that seems okay
Because it looks good and church people like it
And if cutting out the very things that looked like healing actually leads to healing, then I am willing to be maimed.
Gangrene is a poison to the body
And to the heart
And I would rather live with a clean spring in my heart than a cracked and poisoned cistern
Forgiveness isn’t so much
Excusing another person’s behavior
Or slapping a bandage of bondage on that wound
As it is agreeing to live with the consequences of their behavior on you and your relationship
Like Jesus did when He took my consequences for my sins against Him to the cross
and left them in a tomb
Because true forgiveness frees you and the other person
But that does not mean
You just go back
Because sometimes going back is death
Trust is not the same as forgiveness,
And reconciliation is not just picking up where you left off
Because sometimes letting go of the toxic dump of a relationship that was
And is not now
Is the best thing you can do
Because when you are healed, you are a new person
And you can live in the reality
That Jesus calls you beautiful.
And if you are called back into the no-man’s land of memory
By the land mines of the things people say or do
You can look at the craters you have already survived
And realize that the explosives are gone
And the power to destroy you has been destroyed
And you may be maimed, but you are healing
And you are beautiful.